TWINKIES ANYONE?

Do you remember, in 1979 when Dan White, a San Francisco politician, was on trial for murdering his wife? He said he most certainly didn’t mean to kill her. It happened because he had eaten some Twinkies. His lawyer got a psychiatrist to testify that sugary food could indeed cause Mr. White to have a diminished capacity. White’s lawyer jumped on that idea and convinced the jury that White lacked the premeditation and deliberation necessary for first-degree murder. The jury agreed and Mr. White served time for the lesser offence of involuntary manslaughter. All around the world everyone was talking about the Twinkie defense.  

Last week Bill Maher was joking about how insane our legal system was in the United States.  To prove his point, he showed pictures of actual billboards with advertising for lawyers on them. The funniest one said, “Just Because You Did the Crime, Doesn’t Mean You’re Guilty. “

When the Indiana State Police pulled us over last Monday, and was telling us about multiple calls from people who claimed I was guilty of reckless driving, my first thought was, what would I tell the judge to get out of this? Fortunately, I was let go with just a warning.

But what if the officer had given me a ticket, or even worse, had arrested me? Because I am on the Mayo Clinic Diet, I couldn’t blame the Twinkies. I suppose I would demand a definition of reckless driving.  I would freely admit to erratic driving. But reckless driving? Never!!

Imagine me standing before the judge, the outcome of this trial will decide if I will ever drive again. The State Police officer has just painted a picture of me driving down the road like a man on drugs. He has built a watertight case of someone whose license should be take away for the public’s safety. Being naturally stupid I would defend myself.

I would say, “Your Honor, I admit that I was weaving down the road. BUT I mostly stayed in my own lane. I NEVER ONCE took out a mailbox, shrub or lawn ornament. Nor did I hit, or even force an approaching car off the road.”

“As a matter of fact, I had just driven through the city of Monticello and the Village of Royal Center and at no time did any pedestrians have to run for cover, jump out of the way, or take any notice that I had just passed them by.”

“I would like to say, in my defense, that I had not drank any alcoholic drinks, nor was I under the influence of any drugs, illegal or otherwise.”

“However, I will admit that I am an old, weak, and sick man. My illness might have been the cause of my erratic driving. I could understand, your Honor, that you might think that I am going to suggest that my poor driving was because of the Diabetic Neuropathy, or Prostate Cancer that is a part of my daily struggle. You might, even now, be hoping that I will not attempt to sing, “Blame it on the Parkinson’s.”

“While it is true, your honor, that I struggle under all three of these afflictions, none of them was the cause of my strange behavior. “

“My Erratic driving was caused by…”

(Pause for effect and take a medical report out of my briefcase.)

“…an infection of my urinary tract and possibly my prostrate as well.”

“Your honor, I hold in my hand a medical report that says that on the date in question I did indeed have a Urinary Tract Infection and that my PSI had gone from a 4.25 to 10.63. “

“I hope that you will take all these things into consideration, and that you will allow me to walk out of this courtroom, get into my car, and drive back home to Michigan.”

In my mind I see the Police Officer hanging his head in shame, that he would arrest a fine old Geezer like me, without attempting to try to get to the bottom of my erratic driving. I see the Judge, with a smile on his face, saying, “Case dismissed. Mr. Woodby, you are free to go.”

I hope all is well with you and yours. please continue to pray for us and be sure that we will be lifting you up in prayer.