OPEN 🎤 MIC

If you’ve attended a Parkinson’s Support Group Meeting, or ANY support group meeting for that matter, you know how repetitive they can be. Am I right? You know that when Jane starts talking, no matter what topic she starts with, she will end by telling you that this country is going to hell in a handcart because parents can no longer beat their children. Or take Bill, every time he shares, we get to hear a litany about his cold, frigid wife. And then Betty, Bill’s wife, will start talking about the high percentage of men who, because of Parkinson’s, have ED. “What can a woman do when his cold limp little thing just lays there?” she asks.

One night I had all I could take and determined to do something different. So, I suggested that we have an open mic comedy night. We could have a fund-raising dinner and a dinner program which would be an open mic comedy night.

“Do you mean something like comedy central?”  Frederica asked.

Thinking of the talent we had available in Adrian Michigan, I said, “Kinda but we might want to call it Comedy Sideways or Comedy in the Shallow End.”

“JEEZE Woodby,” Tim said, “If that’s a sample of your jokes, maybe you should stay in the audience and just applaud and whistle.”

 Following my presentation, a subcommittee was formed, and we were to come up with a firm plan of what this open mic fundraiser would look like and make a presentation at the next meeting.

To make a long story short, we decided to have an amateur talent night. People could do a skit, stand-up routine, or a song.  Invitations were sent to famous people with Parkinson’s many of whom sent donations. (It seemed to me, reading between the lines, that those who sent donations did so with the idea, I would rather send money than come and sing or act in Lenawee County.)

The Dinner / Open Mic was held on July 18th. I was the fifth person to perform. First was Bertha Goodbody and her daughter who sang a medley of songs from the movie, Beaches.

Second on the list was Big Daddy who said he was going to tell us DAD Jokes, but they were mainly BAD jokes.

Then George Witt sang Blame it on the Parkinsons.

Number four was in the bathroom having difficulty with number two. Therefore, I was on.

Here is my stand-up  routine.

“Hey! How you guys doing tonight??

 Are you having a good time?

I want to take a minute to complement the cooks.

 I’m not joking now.

Let me be serious for one minute…

Wow!! that Chicken was something else..

I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

The chicken was out of this world

            IT WAS literally, something else.

                         I was thinking, Iguana.

Tonight’s dinner reminded me of a mom-and-pop restaurant that my family used to go to when I was a kid.  It was in Fort Myers, Florida, and the menu was really different than any other restaurant I have ever been to.  The place mat was the menu, and it had four columns: Meat or protean, Starches, vegetables, and dessert.  One side was dinner, and breakfast and lunch were on the other side.

The other day I was reading an article about Parkinson’s and there was a list of symptoms and the way they were laid out looked exactly like the menu from my childhood.

Column A was the absolute things you had to have to be diagnosed with Parkinsons.  It included things like Tremors, Rigidity, Stooped posture, Shuffling, the usual.

 Column B contained things like: loss of sense of smell, Neuropathy, loss of taste, hearing loss, vison problems, constipation, incontinence, etc..

Column C was, paranoia, hallucinations, depression, and other mental problems.

Who can guess what was listed in Column D? Sexual difficulties, which included things like, hyper sexuality, ED, loss of interest in sex, and so forth.

I wish that life was more like that Menu from my childhood. Especially when it came to things like Parkinson’s. I would like to be able to decide which symptoms from the four categories I would accept and which ones I would absolutely reject.

I think it would be fun to have hyper sexuality. That way I could say, “It’s the Parkinson’s, you know I have Parkinson’s.” With my luck I would have the combination of hypersexuality and Erectile Disfunction. Constant desire mixed with a complete inability to do anything about it.  Talk about Frustration.

The first symptom I got was a loss of smell, I understand some of you already have the same symptom from having covid. The loss of smell also effects my sense of taste. Some things I used to love now taste terrible while other food had no flavor at all. One lady said, “That would be great for losing weight.” She could tell by looking at me that it hasn’t helped a bit.”

Of course, loss of smell does have its positive side. The other day I got to change a baby’s diaper. IT looked like a disgusting mess; I couldn’t smell a thing.

Speaking of diapers, on occasion, you know, like when I’m awake, I wear Depends or some cheap knock off that Harriet found at the dollar store. This is because I have prostate cancer and Parkinson’s which seems to make me susceptible to Urinary Tract Infections. I never know, until I feel something wet down there, that I have to go. I’m on four different medications to help me with this problem.

Sadly, this has been a problem for as long as I can remember. It has only been made worse by cancer and Parkinson’s. The first memory I have of someone quoting the Bible is when my sister, pointing at her Bible, said to my mom, “Look at this name! Why didn’t you name David, PEEE LEG!  It’ perfect for him.” Har de Har Har.” The last time I wet my pants in public was in the seventh grade, I noticed some girls pointing, whispering, and laughing at me.  YIKES! I had wet myself and didn’t have a clue. No wonder I couldn’t get any dates.

I was kind of looking forward to the part of aging they call, the second childhood. If it means that I must go around smelling like urine with wet pants, forget about it.

Although, after childhood comes puberty, which for most of us was a time of hypersexuality. Back then we were all desire mixed with a lot of guilt. Now there will be no guilt for me, after all, “It’s the Parkinson’s! You know I have Parkinson’s. “

That’s it. Please feel free to comment all you like. But l’ve already been told multiple times not to quit my day job.

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